Indescribable

You are perfect. You are wonderful. You are glorious. You are magnificent. You are the Healer. You are Salvation. You are beautiful. You are the Creator. You are the Cleanser. You are radiant. You are loving. You are peace. You are safety. You are mighty. You are comfort. You are pure. You are light. You are truth. You are BIG. You are faithful. You are King. You are omniscient. You are immutable. You are passionate. You are amazing. 

You are 

You are

You are

I just used 25 words to describe God…and I didn’t accomplish the task of completely describing him. Because it can’t be done. He IS indescribable. Which i think is really really really really cool. That is just one more thing to show how awesome He is! 

But i did leave out one word to describe Him. And it’s my favorite description of all:

Daddy :)

Church Kids

When you’re living in the “Christian School” world Wednesday nights are deemed a church night, right? Yes, that’s about right.

But you see, when it's seven o’clock, where am I? Sitting at home curled up in my snuggie browsing the internet. 

So why am I not at church? Well, I’ll tell you. I  simply don’t want to be at my church. I haven’t for quite some time. It’s because I am sick sick sick sick sick and tired of going to the place that is supposed to be a place for believers to fellowship with one another while focusing on Christ and all I get when I step into that youth room is “We. Don’t. Want. You.” I’m absolutely sick of it. So, no, if you asked me why I don’t go to church on Wednesday nights and barely show up on Sunday mornings, I will tell you straight: “I hate it.”

And you know what? I feel like an absolutely horrible person because of it, but I just can’t bear to go somewhere that’s supposed to be one thing but feels the complete opposite.

So yes, here I sit all alone; but, I prefer to sit alone by choice than to sit alone because nobody wants me. 

Some people...

some people are just…FAIL

some people remind me of furry, big-eared rodents

some people are herculean paragons

some people are awesome even if they are gender confused

some people have funny voices

some people are “scandalous”

some people are Asian (i mean Chinese)

some people are secretly in love

some people are gorgeous and perfect

some people pretend to hate me

some people are goofy and hunchie

some people are really good at falling off furniture

some people actually know what i’m talking about

i am me

if you haven’t learned to accept who i am after…i don’t even know how long, if you’re ashamed as you seem to be…what are you still doing here? because i don’t need that around me…not now…not when i’m like this…so make up your mind…am i good enough for you or not? because if not…then just leave me alone…you’d obviously be happier without me anyway…

i was there…

i was there today.

i stood on the front porch.

my heart was racing.

my mind was pacing.

i pushed the little rectangle button.

ding, dong.

no answer.

none at all.

i thanked God, and left.

(insert creative title here)

People always say, “Write what you feel.”

Well, what happens when you have no clue what you’re feeling - if anything - because that’s how i “feel” now. Maybe it’s just one of those funks every high schooler gets in from time to time. Maybe. Maybe it’s because of the stuff i’ve been pondering recently. Maybe. Maybe it’s because of the way i feel i have to guard myself against the hurt that i know he could gonna bring me if i let him back in. Maybe.

Whatever…I don’t know what I’m feeling or why I’m feeling it. So how do I write it? Oh…hey… I guess that’s how…

The Knot

I have a knot in my stomach

I’m not quite sure of the reasons why

It makes me feel twenty different things

I don’t know whether to smile or cry

Is it anticipation?

I don’t know what I would be anticipating.

Is it fear?

What is there to be fearful of?

Is it pain?

I can never really tell.

Why do I feel the presence of this thing.

Twisting, turning, and clenching my stomach.

I wish it would go away.

But…I may know the remedy…

Yes, I know it.

It’s HIM.

He can take it away.

His eyes. His smile. His smell. His voice.

The way he walks. The way he laughs.

I feel so safe in his embrace.

Yes, he can fix everything.

But I won’t let him.

I won’t go near him.

I won’t speak to him.

I won’t LOOK at him.

Why?

I’m afraid.

Afraid to be hurt.

To be CRUSHED.

Afraid of losing him.

Because that would be worse than this knot.

Far worse.

And now I know the source of this knot.

Being away from him.

Confusion of old:

he cared for me when i acted like an insane basket case…

then is completely indifferent now that i'm myself

he smiled like he meant it…

then smiled like he didn't...

he went out of his way to bump me into my locker…

then wouldn't acknowledge my “hello”

he barely engaged in conversation…

then vied for my attention when i ignore him

he rarely came to me first…

then stared with confusion when we hadn't talked in a few days

he promised he cared…

then broke my heart

but you know what the most confusing thing of all is?

when all of the above says i shouldn’t…i still care...

Okay, So I might have encouraged this...

But only a little! I mean, they were just so cute! And they both liked each other and instead of letting them wallow in anguish about what the other felt, I just gave them a little push...is that a crime? I mean, what could possibly go wrong? After all, they're only thirteen...
they're...only thirteen.
Who was I when I was only thirteen? Would I be okay with my thirteen year old self having a beau?
Uh-oh. Oh no. What have I done?
No, this isn't my fault. They were flirting without my help before, right? They would have found their way to this without me, right?
They won't see each other in person again, right? So, the little sparks of crushdom will die down. It will be a sweet little confidence boost, and nothing more...
Right.
Right?
Right?

My Friend

She’s the peanut butter to my jelly. 

She’s the barnes to my noble.

She’s the Squidward to my Spongebob.

She’s the batman to my robin. 

She’s the bert to my ernie. 

She’s the salt to my pepper.

She’s the Shiego to my Drakken.

She’s the Ootori to my Suoh.

She's the Al to my Ed.

She’s my favorite. :D