The Knot

I have a knot in my stomach

I’m not quite sure of the reasons why

It makes me feel twenty different things

I don’t know whether to smile or cry

Is it anticipation?

I don’t know what I would be anticipating.

Is it fear?

What is there to be fearful of?

Is it pain?

I can never really tell.

Why do I feel the presence of this thing.

Twisting, turning, and clenching my stomach.

I wish it would go away.

But…I may know the remedy…

Yes, I know it.

It’s HIM.

He can take it away.

His eyes. His smile. His smell. His voice.

The way he walks. The way he laughs.

I feel so safe in his embrace.

Yes, he can fix everything.

But I won’t let him.

I won’t go near him.

I won’t speak to him.

I won’t LOOK at him.

Why?

I’m afraid.

Afraid to be hurt.

To be CRUSHED.

Afraid of losing him.

Because that would be worse than this knot.

Far worse.

And now I know the source of this knot.

Being away from him.