I've been thinking recently...

and I realize, that I feel very inadequate. No, no. Don't worry. I don't think I'm a waste of space or hate my life or anything. I just feel that I'm not being the best I can be in a certain area: friendship. I'm not deep. I'm not deep at all, I've come to realize. I focus on dumb things. Things that will never affect the course of my life. But all I do is whine about them. And I never listen. I always thought that the reason why my close friends never talked about deeper stuff to me is because they didn't want to open up. That always hurt me and I took it very, very, very personally because I always open up everything. Now, I realize it has nothing to do with them. It's my fault. I never shut up. And all I talk about is myself. I'm so mad at me right now it makes me sick and I don't even know how she puts up with me. Which reminds me of what a good friend she is and what an awful, horrible, worthless friend I am. But I don't really know how to fix it, because I'm not a huge fan of the whole, "Oh hey, look, i've been awful and I never listen. But I'll listen now. So spill." I find that awkward. I don't know what to do. But I'm sure if I don't change, I'll lose something very very dear to me.