Indescribable

You are perfect. You are wonderful. You are glorious. You are magnificent. You are the Healer. You are Salvation. You are beautiful. You are the Creator. You are the Cleanser. You are radiant. You are loving. You are peace. You are safety. You are mighty. You are comfort. You are pure. You are light. You are truth. You are BIG. You are faithful. You are King. You are omniscient. You are immutable. You are passionate. You are amazing. 

You are 

You are

You are

I just used 25 words to describe God…and I didn’t accomplish the task of completely describing him. Because it can’t be done. He IS indescribable. Which i think is really really really really cool. That is just one more thing to show how awesome He is! 

But i did leave out one word to describe Him. And it’s my favorite description of all:

Daddy :)

Church Kids

When you’re living in the “Christian School” world Wednesday nights are deemed a church night, right? Yes, that’s about right.

But you see, when it's seven o’clock, where am I? Sitting at home curled up in my snuggie browsing the internet. 

So why am I not at church? Well, I’ll tell you. I  simply don’t want to be at my church. I haven’t for quite some time. It’s because I am sick sick sick sick sick and tired of going to the place that is supposed to be a place for believers to fellowship with one another while focusing on Christ and all I get when I step into that youth room is “We. Don’t. Want. You.” I’m absolutely sick of it. So, no, if you asked me why I don’t go to church on Wednesday nights and barely show up on Sunday mornings, I will tell you straight: “I hate it.”

And you know what? I feel like an absolutely horrible person because of it, but I just can’t bear to go somewhere that’s supposed to be one thing but feels the complete opposite.

So yes, here I sit all alone; but, I prefer to sit alone by choice than to sit alone because nobody wants me. 

Some people...

some people are just…FAIL

some people remind me of furry, big-eared rodents

some people are herculean paragons

some people are awesome even if they are gender confused

some people have funny voices

some people are “scandalous”

some people are Asian (i mean Chinese)

some people are secretly in love

some people are gorgeous and perfect

some people pretend to hate me

some people are goofy and hunchie

some people are really good at falling off furniture

some people actually know what i’m talking about

i am me

if you haven’t learned to accept who i am after…i don’t even know how long, if you’re ashamed as you seem to be…what are you still doing here? because i don’t need that around me…not now…not when i’m like this…so make up your mind…am i good enough for you or not? because if not…then just leave me alone…you’d obviously be happier without me anyway…

i was there…

i was there today.

i stood on the front porch.

my heart was racing.

my mind was pacing.

i pushed the little rectangle button.

ding, dong.

no answer.

none at all.

i thanked God, and left.

(insert creative title here)

People always say, “Write what you feel.”

Well, what happens when you have no clue what you’re feeling - if anything - because that’s how i “feel” now. Maybe it’s just one of those funks every high schooler gets in from time to time. Maybe. Maybe it’s because of the stuff i’ve been pondering recently. Maybe. Maybe it’s because of the way i feel i have to guard myself against the hurt that i know he could gonna bring me if i let him back in. Maybe.

Whatever…I don’t know what I’m feeling or why I’m feeling it. So how do I write it? Oh…hey… I guess that’s how…

The Knot

I have a knot in my stomach

I’m not quite sure of the reasons why

It makes me feel twenty different things

I don’t know whether to smile or cry

Is it anticipation?

I don’t know what I would be anticipating.

Is it fear?

What is there to be fearful of?

Is it pain?

I can never really tell.

Why do I feel the presence of this thing.

Twisting, turning, and clenching my stomach.

I wish it would go away.

But…I may know the remedy…

Yes, I know it.

It’s HIM.

He can take it away.

His eyes. His smile. His smell. His voice.

The way he walks. The way he laughs.

I feel so safe in his embrace.

Yes, he can fix everything.

But I won’t let him.

I won’t go near him.

I won’t speak to him.

I won’t LOOK at him.

Why?

I’m afraid.

Afraid to be hurt.

To be CRUSHED.

Afraid of losing him.

Because that would be worse than this knot.

Far worse.

And now I know the source of this knot.

Being away from him.

Confusion of old:

he cared for me when i acted like an insane basket case…

then is completely indifferent now that i'm myself

he smiled like he meant it…

then smiled like he didn't...

he went out of his way to bump me into my locker…

then wouldn't acknowledge my “hello”

he barely engaged in conversation…

then vied for my attention when i ignore him

he rarely came to me first…

then stared with confusion when we hadn't talked in a few days

he promised he cared…

then broke my heart

but you know what the most confusing thing of all is?

when all of the above says i shouldn’t…i still care...

Okay, So I might have encouraged this...

But only a little! I mean, they were just so cute! And they both liked each other and instead of letting them wallow in anguish about what the other felt, I just gave them a little push...is that a crime? I mean, what could possibly go wrong? After all, they're only thirteen...
they're...only thirteen.
Who was I when I was only thirteen? Would I be okay with my thirteen year old self having a beau?
Uh-oh. Oh no. What have I done?
No, this isn't my fault. They were flirting without my help before, right? They would have found their way to this without me, right?
They won't see each other in person again, right? So, the little sparks of crushdom will die down. It will be a sweet little confidence boost, and nothing more...
Right.
Right?
Right?

My Friend

She’s the peanut butter to my jelly. 

She’s the barnes to my noble.

She’s the Squidward to my Spongebob.

She’s the batman to my robin. 

She’s the bert to my ernie. 

She’s the salt to my pepper.

She’s the Shiego to my Drakken.

She’s the Ootori to my Suoh.

She's the Al to my Ed.

She’s my favorite. :D

I Miss You

I miss you very much.
Once I thought it would be this way
And then denied it ever would.
But now I see
Crystal clear
I miss you very much.
I'm not sure what I can do
Though probably just tell you.
Is that the best way to go.
Why must I over think?
Why must I care so much?
Why Why Why?
Why must I miss you?

Mind Boggling

You my dear, have a serious case of convenient recollection. Because you see, I'm not the bad guy. No. It was not just me. I'm not denying I've been a jerk. No, because that would be my own convenient recollection. No I didn't slam you. But I did push you off of me. No, I didn't pull you off the top bunk. But I did pull on that rope. No I didn't throw your clothes on the floor. But I did set them on the bench. Look, I haven't made the best choices, haven't always acted how I should. Yes, I am partly to blame. But so are you. You ignore all the junk you did to me and go on and on about how awful I was. It bugs me to no end. Why can't you see the past clearly?

Or...am I the one who has convenient recollection?

An excerpt from...yeah, i don't even know

She felt a chill race down her spine; but, she placed her palm against the door frame none the less. She pushed. A musty odor rushed into her nostrils and she closed her eyes. It was dank. Dark and dank. She bit her lip and slipped inside the cold room, every ounce of common sense in her body screaming at her to turn and run. She ignored the pleas and closed the door. She squinted through the darkness. Nothing. She could see nothing. She slowly lifted her hand, just inches from her eyes. She let out a humorless laugh as she realized she couldn’t see her own hand in front of her face.

Something funny?

And suddenly she froze. Her hairs stood on end, and her heart began to pound against her rib cage as if trying to break free. The floor boards began to creak. The noise drew nearer and when it stopped, she felt hot breath on her face. Her hand pressed against the door, fumbling for the knob. Maybe she could leave. She had to leave. This was a mistake. But a rough hand grabbed her wrist just as her palm felt the cold brass knob.

Trying to leave? You only just came in.

She tried to swallow the lump in her throat. It didn’t budge. While one hand still held her wrist, the other reached up and touched her hair. She squeezed her eyes shut.

You’re scared.

That wasn’t a question, so she didn’t answer. She opened her eyes and still could see nothing. Suddenly, she was being pulled. Pulled from the door, her only escape. Pulled deeper into the darkness. 

Forever Young

Stay little.

Please don’t grow up.

Don’t lose your innocence.

Don’t learn of pain.

Don’t feel heartbreak.

Don’t lose yourself.

Don’t meet fear.

Don’t know hurt.

You’re much too sweet.

You’re much to young.

Stay that way.

Don’t grow up.

Stay little.

Please,

Don’t forget me.

When we grow up and leave.

Don’t forget me.

It won’t be long now.

Don’t forget me.

Time will fly away.

Don’t forget me.

When we begin our new lives

Don’t forget me.

Though we’re far apart.

Don’t forget me.

We’ll go down different paths.

Don’t forget me.

Let them entwine.

Don’t forget me.

I could never bear it.

Please.

Don’t forget me.

The Corners of Her Mind

It’s quiet in there

Where the dark extinguishes the light

And the night shatters the day.

It’s so quiet in there.

It’s cold in there

Where terror destroys the fearless

And fear tramples the brave.

It’s so cold in there.

It’s sad in there.

Where lust murdered love

Where evil trumped good.

It’s so, so sad in there.

The corners of her mind.

All You Are Is Mean

I’m sorry I don’t measure up. I’m sorry I’m not perfect. I’m sorry I don’t want to go to all the schools you want me to. I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m…NOT sorry. Guess what? I am who I am. And I don’t care what you think. I don’t want to be the person you want me to be. Yeah, I want to do music. That’s what I’m good at. Great at. That is my God-given talent. I don’t want to do anything. I really don’t give a rip whether or not you think that’s acceptable. You’re opinion is irrelevant. So please, keep it to yourself. Do not…do NOT even think about showing off how amazing they are. Honestly, I don’t care. I care if they tell me, because they aren’t acting like jerks. They aren’t putting me down. They’re just proud of their accomplishments. You? You are awful. You are mean and pathetic. All you do is tell me how wonderful and perfect they are and how I don’t measure up. And the second I give even the slightest hint that what you’re telling me really doesn’t matter to me, and it can’t hurt me, you explode. You are a jerk. You are a fool. You are awful and I’m sick of you. I’m sick of you being in my life. I’m sick of putting up with you. I’m so done. All you do is judge me. All you do is bring me down. I’m done with it. Don’t expect me to be cordial. Don’t anticipate any respect. Because you don’t deserve it. Not at all.  

Imperfect

I don’t belong here. In this world, your world. I don’t fit your mold. Frankly, I don’t want to. I don’t want to fit in with the plastered on smiles or the façade of perfection. I don’t want to be part of that Barbie doll picture. And I know you don’t want me to be. You don’t like me. Don’t pretend you do. Your fake happiness when you see me is sickening. I can barely stand to hug you. But I have to. Why? After all, you don’t even want me, so why should I be cordial? Why should I pretend to be ignorant to your disdain? Why am I here? I don’t want to be. I’m not comfortable here with your small talk. As if you actually care about my life. I want to be where I’m loved. Where I’m wanted. With my friends. I want to go home. 

I've been thinking recently...

and I realize, that I feel very inadequate. No, no. Don't worry. I don't think I'm a waste of space or hate my life or anything. I just feel that I'm not being the best I can be in a certain area: friendship. I'm not deep. I'm not deep at all, I've come to realize. I focus on dumb things. Things that will never affect the course of my life. But all I do is whine about them. And I never listen. I always thought that the reason why my close friends never talked about deeper stuff to me is because they didn't want to open up. That always hurt me and I took it very, very, very personally because I always open up everything. Now, I realize it has nothing to do with them. It's my fault. I never shut up. And all I talk about is myself. I'm so mad at me right now it makes me sick and I don't even know how she puts up with me. Which reminds me of what a good friend she is and what an awful, horrible, worthless friend I am. But I don't really know how to fix it, because I'm not a huge fan of the whole, "Oh hey, look, i've been awful and I never listen. But I'll listen now. So spill." I find that awkward. I don't know what to do. But I'm sure if I don't change, I'll lose something very very dear to me.

Mr. Oblivious

Seriously. Seriously? I'm I that hard to read? I thought it was apparent when I acted liked a stupid, love struck middle school girl. I thought it was plain to see that I cared. Is it really that hard to imagine that I might actually like some one like you? Did you think it not even a possibility? Were you under the impression that you were only a last resort, if that? No, that isn't true at all. It's you and it's been you for quite a while. But you never saw. You never noticed and now it doesn't even matter, does it? Fine. I can't do anything about it, and I'm really not going to try. It won't get me anywhere and I'm really bad at stuff like that anyway. I just wish you weren't so oblivious. I wish you could have seen before. It may have made a difference. Or maybe it wouldn't have. But what if it had? What if, for the very first time in my entire life, I got what I wanted. I got who I wanted. But most of all, I wish I would have said something. Maybe just blurted it out at an inopportune time. Whatever would have made you stop and look at me. And see me differently. But who knows? Maybe you're too oblivious to respond to even that.

It's Interesting

There are some that I haven't talked to since last year. People who knew a lot. People who I confided in, whined to, whatever you would like to call it. But in the past week or so, I've seen them again. We've spoken in passing; but, I've noticed something. They treat me the same. They act like I'm the same fragile, pathetic little girl running around with tears perpetually streaming from her eyes. Can't they see me? Don't they realize I'm not like that anymore? Can't they tell that there's almost always a smile on my face? Don't they realize that I don't need my hand to be held anymore? I've forgiven the one who hurt me so badly. Who scarred me for what I thought would be life. But forgiveness led to the healing that I needed. And I'm fine now. I'm great. But they don't believe it. They think that this is only a short phase that I will let go of and fall back into sadness. Back into the darkness. But it's been a year. Almost exactly. And I'm so different. I can sleep through the night now. I don't cry at every tiny upsetting thing. I don't need him. I've forgiven him. I'm fine. I'm great. I'm wonderful.

So why can't they see?