recently

the whole “your going to be forever alone” has been preying on my mind.

which is retarded, because i’m 17…

but see,

it’s cuz this one stupid jerk has been like all over my life in the past week or whatev.

and i feel like jerks like him are the only guys who are ever interested in me.

and the only guys who will be.

and they don’t make the cut in my book.

so sometimes i feel like…i might need to lower the bar.

because if not…

but...it's whatev

sometimes when i’m sad i wish i weren’t me.

and then i get over it. :D

is it bad...?

that i’m really pissed that i did like NOTHING at powderpuff practice tonight?

like, i’m just annoyed that for once in my life i want to be a part of something like this and actually want to (OH MY GOODNESS I CAN’T BELIEVE IT…DRUMROLL PLEEEASSEEEE) be athletic, and no one really cares. hey, i actually can catch the stupid ball. and i’m fast too, when i’m actually trying. but…i just get overlooked. 

like in everything.

my freaking LIFE is the “picked last” stereotype.

which really sucks. 

i don’t know. is it me? is it my fault that i can be so shy? i mean, i’m really trying to work on that. but part of that shyness is the fact that for so many years i’ve felt like i’m irrelevant to people, soooo…i don’t bother them. and i’m not sure how to come out of my shell without being annoying? because….i hate being shy. no, i mean, i really do. because, if you’ve ever hung out with me…and i mean like really hung out with me…i’m crazy. and not in like a weird annoying way. but i mean. i know people like to hang out with me when they give me the chance. but that’s the thing. people rarely give me the chance. 

so i don’t know what to do. i’m not sure where the middle ground is. 

i’m sick of being shy. i’m sick of being overlooked. i’m so so so so so freaking sick of it. 

and now i sound whiney so i’m gonna shut up…

wow….this was only supposed to be me complaining about how i really wanna play football…

Titanic = Fail

So I just watched Titanic for the first time. I didn't even see all of it. I started at the part where the ship JUST started sinking. You know, when Jack is handcuffed to that pole for whatever reason...whatever, that's where I began. But I watched it until the end. And I must say, I have some complaints about both the movie and what I infer to be what happened in legit life and all.

1. Rose's fiance guy had really bad hair. and some serious guy liner. i think he may be related to adam lambert or something. well, the guy liner part. addy has WAAAAY better hair than that guy. 
2. why were all those rich people so stupid and like, "oh, you silly peasants! The Titanic isn't going to sink! what? you're wondering why we're getting into these life boats then? oh, well we just thought we'd have a better view of the uhm....night...uhh....sky....from waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyy over there. where we won't sink....yeah...but don't WORRY! The Titanic is unsinkable! alright! ta-ta! have fun with the hypothermia! i mean...what?"
3. why was rose such a moron. and annoying. she kinda reminded me of christine from phantom. not as bipolar though, but she definitely conjured up the same nauseating obnoxiousness that christine embodies. 
4. so WHO IN THE WORLD, was the genius who designed the Titanic? i mean SERIOUSLY!!! not enough life boats? the thing can snap in half. a stupid ICE BURG can sink it!!! dude...a rubber ducky could fair better than that thing. 
5. the captain? ignoring all the ice burg warnings? i am so confused as to who contrived this disaster
6. i mean both the movie and real life...the Titanic was a horrendous blunder of human stupidity and pride. 
7. OHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I GET IT NOW!!!!!! a liberal must have come up with it!
8. ROSE YOU CRAZY MORON! how could you be so selfish?!?! was is THAT HARD to scoot over on that HUGE door or whatever it was? jack totes could have fit on there and then he wouldn't have DIED! i blame you rose. stop feeling sorry for yourself. you shoulda moved over and then he wouldn't have gotten hypothermia. and died. so no, i feel no sympathy for you at all.

uhmmmmm.....i think that's all my complaining i need to take care of...alright, rant done

meagan!

you obviously haven’t been paying attention when its 11:11

because you aren’t making that wish come true.

fix it loser. jk love you.

but seriously

its getting ridiculous. make it WORK.

the end.

One, Two, Three, Four

One sees her just once

Two becomes her friend

Three has known her forever

Four’s on whom she depends

One disappears

Two seems the best

Three began something

But Four beat the rest

One returns

Two runs away

Three starts getting nasty

Is Four here to stay?

One has a girlfriend

Two always ignores

Three seems to back off

All she sees is Four

One turns into a liar

Two’s a bit of a freak

Three only wants one thing

Four is the one she seeks

She loses her trust in one

Two tries again

Three is coming back soon

Four is barely her friend

One won’t leave her alone

Two forgets her once more

Three has arrived

She’s begging for Four

One pleads for mercy

Two completely forgets

Three takes without asking

Four gives her no regrets

One makes her feel stupid

Two just makes her feel mad

Three makes her feel worthless

Four makes her feel nothing bad

One made her cynical

Two made her cry

Three made her fragile

Four made her shy

One is ignored

Two faded after a while

Three is terrifying

Four makes her smile

Heaven

Starry night and city lights

And music all around

Holding hands we start to dance

You twirl me around

My head is spinning

Something’s beginning

You pull me close to your side

And I feel as though I’ve died

And gone to heaven

I feel it in your arms

I’m the princess

And you’re prince charming

I’m in heaven     

When I’m lost in your eyes

I can barely speak but that’s no surprise

Because I’m in heaven

 I can’t believe you’re with me

You’re the perfect guy

You make me smile like a child

When I just want to cry

You’re incredible

It’s indescribable

I love you more than life itself

This is something I’ve never felt

And gone to heaven

I feel it in your arms

I’m the princess

And you’re prince charming

I’m in heaven     

When I’m lost in your eyes

I can barely speak but that’s no surprise

Because I’m in heaven

STEEEEEPPPPHHHHENNNNNN!

Why, may I ask, am I so obsessed with Stephen King?

After all, he doesn't seem to be the most moral writer in the realm of literature. He uses...colorful...language and semi-graphic displays of.......affection.....yes, we'll go with that.

HOWEVER, minus the sketchness of Mr. King's writing, what draws me to his work?

The answer of course is the sheer skill and literary genius of the man. I cannot even begin to describe my addiction to the awesomeness of his writing. His descriptions are so clear and vibrant that they seem to jump off of the page. (ha. cliches are of satan. bwahaha) But despite my love of, what has come to my attention as an evil device in writing, the cliche, I love Stephen more.

Every time I read his work, I want to write. After reading even a snippet of his work, I find myself walking around living my life while describing everything in my head. It's amazing what his writing inspires me to do.

And right now, I need some of that descriptive inspiration, because I've written three words for my descriptive quilt thing...yeah, life...

"I Don't Wanna Go to Bed"

"Do not let the sun go down on your anger" - Ephesians 4:26

So, how exactly is this accomplished when I can't talk to this person about how annoyed, mad and hurt I am. I mean, yes, I'm probably overreacting, and I also know that the second I tell them that I'm mad they'll whip out their smooth, sweet, "sincere" charm, and apologize. But I have no way of knowing if its legit.

I don't wanna keep getting angrier and angrier, but I promised that I wouldn't talk serious to them anymore. I'm supposed to let them get to know the "real/new" me. But you see, the problem is, they could care less. I try to give them ample opportunity, but no...I guess I'm not important enough.

And see?! Now I'm angry with them! But then I think about how fantastic and wonderful and LIFE CHANGING they've been, and I just can't bring myself to really believe they're just a jerk.

......*sigh*

Father, please help me sort this out. I'm so confused, and hurt. I don't know what to do.

dreams.dreams.dreams.

You know, I think every little girl at SOME point in her life says, "I want to be a singer," and then she will belt out an incredibly cute rendition of "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" or something to that affect. But, as little girls grow up, their dreams will most likely change. One girl may be in P.E. in fourth grade and realize, "I like sports." So, she starts playing soccer. Next thing you know, she's a professional athlete. Another little girl may be sitting on the edge of her seat in freshman biology while her classmates snore and drool around her. Around eight years later, she's in medical school. Many little girls will never realize the dream that they all seem to have at some point or another. They won't be a star, at least not in the Hollywood sense. It isn't always necessarily because they don't have a good voice or can't act to save their life. It just isn't what they love. To truly succeed in ANY field, you must love what you do.

This girl right here? Yep. That's right. Me. I love what I do. I sing. I play guitar...and a bit of piano too. And I adore every second of it. I love performing. I'm never afraid to get up in front of an audience, no matter how big or small, and belt my heart out. And I know God has given me a talent for it too. You see. Music isn't just a pretend little game that I played when I was a little girl. Oh sure, me and my best friends were going to make a band when we were six (A.D.D. Moment - If we had actually made a band as six year olds? Take THAT justin bieber! HA!) and I would write cutesy little songs, usually about how girls were cooler than boys and we would take over the world. But, my as we grew up, my friends began to find love for other things. Writing. Dancing. Photography. Art. Etc. But me? I never EVER lost the ambition I had when I was a child. I've always wanted what I want now. And I have no doubt that one day, I will earn it; because, you see, I am willing to work as hard as I physically, mentally, and emotionally can. Probably harder than that even. I want this so bad. It is my dream.

And yes, for now, that is all it is. A dream. But I promise, one day...one day, it will be reality.

And I thank God for the talent and drive I have to push me to that reality. Because that is who the credit SHOULD go to.

So yes...I'm a dreamer. And I dream big. But I don't think dreaming is worth much if you don't dream HUGE!